I've done something I thought I'd never do.
I'm taking a sabbatical from my church.
Not my faith, my church. The past year was a tough one for my husband and I. I discovered my support system did not come from inside my church. Not that it couldn't have. I just didn't ask for help there.
Why? Good question and one I've been meditating on. I think the bottom line is I didn't feel I could be authentic in church. Nothing the church knowingly forced on me but that's how I felt.
I think life is messy. I want to be in a messy church. I want to see a diverse group of folks just like I see when I go to the mall. I want folks to come inside and be who they are. Whatever that looks like. If they need to alter anything let "God" do it. Not doctrine. Denominations within the Christian Faith should show us none of us have it right.
If I can find a messy church I'm in. Till then, God himself is the only one who knows where I'll be.
Not sure what this sabbatical is about but it's where I am to be for now.
Any personal experience with your struggles or non-struggles for staying in organized religion? I'd like to hear it.
Hi Anita,
ReplyDeleteMy situation I think is similar. I've been "clean and sober" in 12-step programs for over 26 years. I believe in the principles of the program. I believe in my faith and my practice (as a dharma practitioner). But sitting in meetings, and even being of service in meetings, doesn't resonate for me right now. It hasn't for the past few months. In some ways, it really hasn't for the past few years. So, I too have been taking a sabbatical for 2015.
I have slight voices within me telling me that I may be setting myself up for a "slip."
But I have a deeper conviction that the true goal for me is freedom. I feel willing for my life to be a disaster. That's important for me. Being willing to be a shipwreck.
But so far, it doesn't feel like one. It feels more and more open. I feel closer and closer to truly living in a state of trust.. I find myself received by others. I find myself developing new capacities that I hadn't previously considered. I find myself having fewer and fewer needs.
And if the whole thing falls apart, I don't mind cause the whole thing feels illusory anyhow..
I really appreciate your post. I also love your website. It's so simple. (It's the first website I've not disliked.)
Mine started when I got deeply sick, and the only person who truly showed up was from outside of my "fellowship." And I had known this for years. Maybe for the past ten. But I got to see it starkly finally in early January.
It's not a bitterness. It *was* a sadness. But now, maybe just an acceptance of having seen some things more clearly than I had previously seen.
It'll be interesting to see what happens for the both of us! Maybe we can stay in touch to see how our journeys reflect one another's? :)
yuichi
yuichi,
DeleteI'd enjoy staying in touch. My contact information outside of the blog is on my webpage.
You can be in touch there and/or my blog.